My Provincial Life.

I’m finally blogging again.

So, last night I procrastinated to the last minute and stayed up all night typing up my essay and charts for English, and thus, didn’t read for Gov at all. I read a few pages in the morning, but it was barely anything.

Gov: that guy that sits behind me[AJ] asked to ‘help him’ [aka let him copy my quiz] AGAIN. I was just complaining to Allen about it yesterday too. I was like >.> sure, but I didn’t read either. I still got a 4/5, awesome. Oh, and I totally forgot Allen wanted me to start helping him with the quizzes again, so while he told us our study guide, I did that instead. I was insanely tired and could barely stay awake, but somehow, I made it. Oh yeah, and Allen asked me to get Kevin’s book too.

So I gave Allen the book and post it and went on.

English: When i got there I was all pumped to be Macbeth with my man voice and it was only me and Mrs. Dj so I asked her [since Ashley mentioned it earlier] about her idea for changing the club date to every other Monday and that NHS used to only meet once a month [which I wish they still did] so i told her I’d take a vote in the club. She’s so nice. When class started, we watched some examples of the opening scene of Macbeth, including some obscure Japanese one. Then we found themes in the sections we were given and stuff. I was major disappoint that I couldn’t use my man voice.

When we were walking I demonstrated more of my man voice [which is actually pretty loud] and James said he thinks I would make a good Lady Macbeth, meh.

AP Photo: I pretty much just ate all period and I sketched some shirt designs with Ashley after we went to the bathroom.

Discrete: I don’t remember what we did. Not math, that’s for sure. probably just chatted with Allen.

Lunch: Okay, so, Tara had something to do today so I didn’t go to club, but I did finally go to Spurlock. He gave this cool idea that we could have  print that changes colour and he was really resistant to the idea of many designs, in his words “Ugh, what, does everyone want their own?!”  and he told me a story of how he refused to eat Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans and when I didn’t seem as excited about the changing colour as he asked why but I told him it was hot in there! I went back and explained it to Samantha and Ashley and then we went to the library for like 2 minutes and left.

Yearbook: We just filled out our time sheets and stuff. Victoria was being really ugh, she didn’t even try to think of two simple ideas that were worth like 6 points because she had to wait in the rain for her father to come in on a boat, which is awful but that doesn’t mean she can’t try now.

Ceramics: I said hi to Craig and finished making the parts for my Lotad, but after that i looked for my ID stand and it wasn’t there and i just really hope she didn’t throw it out because I haven’t paid yet, you think she would warn me! I worked sooo insanely hard on that, I’m going to be devastated if she did.

Tara and I had to walk home after school. I met eyes with Gabe for a second when I was walking with Allen and we seemed okay, he didn’t seem mad at me, he was smiling a bit, but probably just ‘cause he was with Austin and Samantha. ugh I haaate walking home.

As soon as i got home I got half naked and just sat on the couch and tried not to move much. Eventually Ashley came over, before Samantha even [which is weird ‘cause she said she would come first] and she told me her weird Barnes and Noble story about being trapped by metal kids and Mr. Newell and read the magazine she got while I played Mario Kart just so I could get to Rainbow Road.

When we finally called Samantha it turned out she was in the parking lot but she couldn’t find a spot so she turned around [we were like “where was she going to go??”]. So we played a little Mario Kart [and I was really surprised that Samantha hadn’t played before and Ashley was always like passing the line first even if I hit her. Curse her! But yeah, it was fun. I tried making them Pumpkin juice but they refused because apple juice gives them stomach aches and Samantha joked that I put Thyme and garlic powder in it because I took them out to get to the other spices, but tara said it just tasted like apple juice. Then we went to the game….

I still think about him every day. There are times where I despise him, but they’re far outweighed by the pleasant memories I had with him (maybe I’m repressing the bad ones, they seem bad when i remember them, I just find the good ones so much more important). Even though I wish we were still together, I miss his friendship the most. We had a lot in common and now there are so many things that I have no one to talk to about. I doubt he’ll even come to Dumbledore’s Army [I saw him peak curiosity when I mentioned it in Dj’s, he would have loved it], and even if he did, it wouldn’t be to make amends with me; it would just be awkward and strange.

What pathetic empty words those were; what did they last, a week? Maybe two?

Tch, I’m not surprised at such lackluster effort. You always were one to give up easily.

I wish I cared in the slightest, but after this bullshit, I really don’t.

Friday! woohoo! Normal morning stuff.

First Period: Our first quiz! I studied my butt off for this all night and morning [well, some of the night and when I was sitting in the hall this morning] and I got a 4/5. Good enough! He just lectured some more and I filled out the club form while he lectured; it is so geeky and awesome. Gabe would have liked it.

Second Period:

I feel so needy and dumb complaining and pining after Gabe so much; he just creeps into my thoughts all the time, practically as soon as I’m awake. So many things remind me of him and I wish I hadn’t so openly exposed myself to him, let him seep into so many things I love; we had so much in common. I feel so wounded all the time and I just want to curl up into a ball like some frightened child and, on the inside, that’s what I’m usually doing, trying to smother all the memories and the pain away. I feel dumb, because we really weren’t together for very long at all, but we clicked so well and I adored him; we had so much in common and I had such high hopes. I really do put my whole heart into these relationships, and I get swept away by it all; that is, until I’m thrown from my bliss, among my hopes so very high up, to go hurtling towards the ground. It doesn’t get better every day. It should, but it doesn’t. I don’t know how long it will last. He was so much better than the others, he made me believe…it’s not like I can do anything about it; but even with  that knowledge, it doesn’t change anything.

No matter how many consoling words my friends may tell me, they don’t make me feel any different; just empty, meaningless, repetitive sounds that float in one ear and out the other. I do appreciate their efforts, and it’s not their fault, it’s just the reality of it all…I really appreciate it though, if it makes me feel anything at all, it makes me feel the tiniest bit better and brings a smile burdened my sadness to my face; a sort of grimace. When I fell in love with Cody, in a matter of months, I was younger and eager to find love, so naive and desperate, and it took me over a year to get over him. I had given him so much of myself, and some parts of me still faintly, ever so faintly, pine for him. But what I had with Gabe was so much stronger than that. He didn’t treat me like Cody did; and I could actually feel his skin against mine, his strong arms wrapped around me, I felt safe. Though I thought I was so much stronger, having gotten over Cody and had a few relationships that ended on my terms, without me getting hurt; but I guess, in the end, I haven’t changed much at all. If anything, I think I’m more fragile than ever.

I grow ever weary of relationships and getting my heart broken, it’s all so dramatic and painful with me. It sticks. there are times when I feel strong, though they are far and few between; and the longer times are only after a long time of self pity and recovery…but, with Cody, I never had to see him. I only spoke to him on the internet or on the phone, so I could just stay away from Gaia, and he wouldn’t call. And I never touched him, never felt his lips against mine, was never held tightly against him; unlike Gabe. Those are the memories that sting  the most. The ones I miss the most. I felt so safe with him, only to be betrayed in the end. Even thinking about it suffocated me a little, as if something is pressing down onto my chest, clenching my heart and, at the same time, has stuffed something into my trachea so that it makes breathing difficult. I feel as if I am over reacting, we went out for, what? not even 3 months? but it felt so real. So possible. I guess my hold over my emotions isn’t as strong as I once thought. It hurts for a while, too.

And, unlike with Cody, I have to see him. Not only the occasional passing by around school, but we’re in the same English class now; not only that, but he sits relatively close to me, easily within my range of sight, which temptation cannot resist taking advantage of every so often. Seeing even the slightest glimpse of him pains me. It really depends on the conditions; if he’s smiling, it’s worse, yet even if he seems serious, it hurts because I delude myself that he’s thinking of me and regrets everything; though I quickly react and crush the thought, reminding myself that it’s just nonsense, the lingering of it drifts about at the back of my mind. Seeing him every day, it will ruin me, it will take me so much longer to recover; every time I see him will rip open the wounds I’ve tried so gingerly  to heal, destroying any attempt I’ve made at recovering and leaving me raw and exposed, though I can hide it well enough. Every heartbreak, just makes me more closed off and wary of relationships, the walls I build get thicker and taller. Ugh, that stifling in my throat that blocks my even flow of breath is still there, I can never swallow enough times to make it go away. It’s a thought I wish I didn’t have, but most things I do, I keep him in mind. I can’t help it, if I think hard enough, anything can be connected with him; and since we shared so much together, it’s even easier to make connections unconsciously.

Sometimes I think to myself ” I’m pretty, I can do so much better, what’s so great about him anyways?” and that sets the cogs in motion, my mind whirs and quickly brings up  the long list of things that are so great about him. Maybe I would be spared some restless thought and delusion if he had even told me a specific on why he was breaking up with me. What had happened? I hate when people ask how I am, like Cedric, and instead of lie, I tell them the truth [I don’t want to burden them with my troubles, but I’m not going to lie about it either, maybe one day word will get to him how awful I feel all the time and word will get around why he did it], that I’m not doing great, in fact I am miserable most of the time. He didn’t even know [Cedric, that is]. Even worse, I had to explain it to him; and even after these months have passed, it still brought fresh pain thinking about it and new tears I wasn’t expecting rise as I try to turn away and keep them from falling “What are you doing?” I think to myself ” You’re at school, pull yourself  together. What’s wrong with you?” There are way too many answers to the last one, but my response is always the same when they ask why, I just tell them “Why don’t you ask him? Maybe you could tell me.”

It’s not as easy as thinking it away; trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried stifling the voices deep within me, burying them so that they may not rear their ugly head again; it never works for very long, if at all. I just have to wait. All things shall pass, no matter how long and torturous it may be. People have been through worse. If anyone saw this, they would think me silly, even stupid for falling so hard and being so hung up over such a brief thing, but it’s just who I am. my whole heart went into that relationship, and it came out bruised, cut and weak. Those ‘cuts’ haven’t even had time to scar yet, they’re still semi fresh from being torn open so many times. Just thinking about him makes them bust at the seams a bit, my heart pounding through the pain, trying to keep me alive despite all I’ve put it through. I still ave scars from Cody, though they’ve nearly faded to nothingness, they’re still there, i can still feel them.

How long will it be?

How long will it take for me to, more than not, feel free and happy again?

Time is something I definitely have; though I’m terribly impatient, what can I do? Nothing.

What have I found? The same old fears.

Even that song reminds me of him.

Ranting doesn’t make me feel much better, if anything it hurts me more, bringing the memories so vividly to memory, how I miss his touch and warmth from the simplest hug or kiss. I miss just laying on the couch with him, watching movies together. I wish we’d never done such things so early on, I truly regret it, if I regret anything. Right now, at least. I miss him so much. So many thoughts are filled with him somehow.

But, it feels good to get my thoughts down at least. I think I might smile sadly at how unreasonable I was back then, when I look back at this; but who knows, I might think it was absolutely reasonable. I hope my children won’t find me as weak as I find myself; I hope they can understand to some degree, perhaps not by experience, but my instinct and circumstance.

I so strongly relate with Tom now, “  I need to know that you’re not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.” he said, and that’s exactly what I want. I don’t want to have to think ” Is  this the day? Will he leave me now?” I don’t want to have to worry about that stuff. I want to feel safe. I want consistency [as he put it], but what Summer said was true, no one can give him that, and no one can give me that. He asked” Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you’ve had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?’ and this pretty much sums up every day of my life for the past few months.

She yelled after him, later, “ Tom, don’t go! You’re still my best friend!” Though he may not be my best friend, he was indisposable to me, unlike any other, so very unique in that I could talk to him about things I can’t talk about with my other friends; I’m like that with my other friends too, I can talk more about certain things with certain friends. We had so much in common. He was so easy to talk to.

“For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of casual - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world… a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else” This is what I did, and I was punished for it.

Tom said “ People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths” and I believe this whole heartedly. Maybe if I had told him, instead of waiting for him to have time for me, for him to revert back to his old self, my wounds wouldn’t have had time to fester and I wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. and I wish he would have said how he felt. Especially what he felt that drove us apart.

Tom’s sister told him “Look, I know you think that she was the one, but I don’t. No, I think you’re just remembering the good stuff, next time you look back, I, uh, I think you should look again.” But, for me, it just doesn’t work. I remember the bad times, oh how I remember them so clearly, and yet, I still yearn for him and it hurts all the more.

Well, I’ll stop now, this has been enough for once; though I expect to repeat these same points over and over again in hopes that, one day, they will no longer hold any truth to them.

So, yesterday I decided that today I wasn’t going to go on the internet until I was finished with Mockingjay [now that I finally have it], but I just wanted to remind myself that it hurts every once in a while because it reminds me of Gabe sometimes [I know, how far fetched is that? But what doesn’t remind me of him nowadays?] and I remember how close we use to be and I really miss being able to talk to him about things…anything really. Anyways, it just sucks. I wish I didn’t flip sides all the time, from feeling like a confident, brilliant, awesome, beautiful woman to some pining, heartbroken, weak girl; but alas, I do, and I just wait for when I feel like the former again.

Sorry to Samantha and Ashley for bringing it up all the time and being depressing.

Well, since Mr. Moravec finally fixed my schedule, he emailed me and told me to pick it up from his door, whether he was there or not, so I went while Tara waited, but I noticed Gabe’s name on the schedule under mine, so I looked and it was the Gabe I knew, so i couldn’t help but look. I skimmed it and saw we didn’t have any classes together, I felt a mixture of disappointment and relief, but I moved on. When I told Tara, she told me I should have ripped it up, which made me laugh and cherish her all the more. Ashley and Samantha told me the same thing when I got to the hall and I told them that’s what Tara said. So my new schedule is: 

1- AP Gov [the same]
2- AP English
3- AP Photo
4-Discrete [same]
5-Yearbook
6-Ceramics

Oh yeah, and today’s spirit day was SD gear, but I have none, so yeah.

First Period: Didn’t really do anything actually, he just lectured about politics and I tried to stay awake, looking at the tons of pictures he has on the wall.

Walked by myself to second period, I was very excited to be in that class with Ashley and Samantha, with my other AP friends and the teacher Ashley raves about [Ms. DJ]

Second Period: I got there kind of early, but there was someone talking to her so I just had to stand and wait until she was done talking. Ashley came and said hi and waited with me, and Camilo came in and asked if I was in this class now and I told him I was and he was really nice, he always is, when low and behold, who should walk in and stand across the desk from me but Gabe. I looked up and it genuinely surprised me, especially since I looked at his schedule [though I guess I’m dyslexic since I didn’t see that.] but he looked away and said nothing to me and so did I. I don’t know why he’s ignoring me still. He talked with Camilo and Mitchell and I talked with Ashley. Camilo waved at me and smiled while I waited silently and i waved back, then he waved to Gabe and they talked. When she was done, I showed her and she was really nice and told me to wait and checked Gabe’s schedule, then she seated us. Gabe was next to Samantha who was next to Ashley [all in the front of each row] and I sat behind Richie [Lorraine’s brother] at the end of the row closest to them, but I could still see them all and I sat nearest to this girl who sat next to Ashley named Alex [she’s really pretty, and it’s even cuter since she has freckles and wears them well]. Anyway, we did a word of the day and then they got into groups, I asked Ashley where I should go and she told me to just join a group so I said I would join hers but then Samantha exclaimed that she wanted me to join hers since she didn’t really know anyone in hers, so I did. Camilo was in that group anyways, any group Camilo is in is a good group. I just copied what everyone said, pretty much. Samantha told me he tried to talk to her but she was very distant and basically ignored him.

When I walked with Ashley to 3rd period we talked about how awkward it was and what Samantha told me, and she told me he tried talking to her, kind of, and she ignored him too.

Third period: I told her that I was in this class and she kept talking about how she fought for us and cried [she later explained it was because she had to put down her sister’s beloved cat] and it was awkward ‘cause I was already walking away and yeah…Anyways, then I sat with Ashley and Allen and the teacher talked about photo some more, but Allen talked a lot and seemed to get on Ashley’s nerves a little, and though he was a little chatty, that’s who Allen is and it didn’t really bother me.

Walked with Allen to 4th.

Fourth Period: We just did some more exercises and I told Allen about Gabe and things got a little more laid back between us. Yay math…

Lunch: Walked with Allen part way to lunch and then walked over to the tree, went to the bathroom, chatted with Ashley and Samantha and then walked to the tree after. We were talking about Film Club today and Joe and Jeremy [didn’t know Jeremy would be there] and it was really awkward and they barely even payed attention but Ashley was really nice to them, i felt like she was just being nice because of May, but she later said she wasn’t going to be mean to them on principle so yeah. I would be co-president, Ashley president, Samantha VP, May Secretary and Joe Treasurer[by default]

Fifth period: Walked with Samantha to Yearbook and the teacher greets you at the door and he’s pretty nice, we got sorted by drawing from a bucket and I got sports, but this girl next to me had sales [Samantha’s group] so I switched with her, though I really wanted Clubs and this girl with clubs wanted sports, I’d rather be in Samantha’s group. We just brainstormed for the cover all period and, when i was looking through one of the sample yearbooks and they had a Harry Potter yearbook and I was like ” Why don’t we have a Harry Potter club? I should start my own! But no one would join…” and Samantha encouraged me to actually do it so I got really excited and she was going to be my co-president for supporting me.

Walked with Samantha and saw Gabe on the way too, it stung.

Sixth Period: I got there but Ashley and Allen already had the seat next to them so i asked Mrs. Ulrich where I could sit and told her where I wanted to sit and she told me she was fine with it if I could get other people there to move, so I found out Craig and some girl named kim sat in the seats that needed to be moved [Kim in the seat i wanted] so when Craig got there, I asked if he would move and he was really nice and obliged easily and then I just stood around waiting for this other girl but Allen and Ashley told me to just sit down so I did and when Kim came in [turned out it was that crazy weird girl I knew from freshman year] and figured out she needed to sit where craig used to, next to me. Mrs. Ulrich gave a lecture but Allen talked most of the time and annoyed Ashley and then we worked with clay and I only made my base but Kim thought it was too small [I didn’t ask, but I’m glad she told me. I was friendly earlier but she wasn’t and now she is? idk] but we were out of time so I just put it away and made a note to ask Mrs. Ulrich tomorrow.

After school, I went with Ashley to the Library and thought she would go to, since she needed a different Economy book, but her whole class was getting them the next morning so I went and it turned out I only needed two books so I got them and stood in line and called Tara to come and she stood in line with me and I told her about HP club while Jennifer stood on the side.

Then Tara called Danny to pick us up [well, she did earlier, but he was at the Taco Bell parking lot] and we waited at the side parking lot instead of up front and we went back and forth because he didn’t say where he was [idiot] and then he wouldn’t come in and we had to walk to the street [idiot!] and then i forgot I wanted the club form today so I hurried and got it while Tara brought my books to the car[though she was already holding it]. I stood awkwardly outside the door to where I saw Ashley get hers [the ASB room] before Krypton came by and I asked him and he was super nice [he used to be a pretentious jerk!] and lead me in and gave me one. Then Danny pulled the car up front and drove us to Chik-fil-A ‘cause he had a coupon for free food, taking Tara and leaving Jennifer and I awkwardly in the car. I tried filling out the club form, but I didn’t really think of anything. Then we drove home.

I studied for Gov and found some helpful notes online that I used too, then went to sleep.

When I got home yesterday, Mr. Moravec didn’t respond to my email yet so I asked mom to check my email during lunch because I didn’t want to go see him after school if my schedule changed already.

I sat in the hallway with our group again, but I didn’t see Gabe this time, I guess it’s for the best, I think they noticed me looking for him ever so often more than they usually did.

First Period: Prosser talked more about the class and we got new seats by drawing them from a bucket thing…I am in the farthest corner of the room and can barely see the board. Ugh. Oh well. omg and he has a rocking chair in his room that he sits in. So math.

Walked to second period, but didn’t see Gabe this time, I wasn’t so phased, just shrugged mentally and went on.

Second Period: Mrs. Ulrich [the teacher] was talking about the class and we did vocab and stuff, but i finished quickly and when she was lecturing I was falling asleep [even though I ate breakfast and forgot to yesterday] and i was so scared of falling off the stool since I kept swerving to the side. But I didn’t! Victory! John asked to see my vocab since he didn’t finish, and I didn’t mind at all.

I walked with Erica to 3rd this time, Christian ignored me today. Whatevs~[Oh yeah, I told Allen that Christian and I chatted yesterday and he said he thinks he still likes me…like, what even haha, we’re just friends]

Third Period: For homework, we had to write more about a person who impacted our lives [I did mine first period haha], but she didn’t even look at it. She mostly talked about resumes and how to make one and we took notes. We have to have one by Friday and I have like no references. yaaay… She went over the syllabus too, even though she’s fun and helping us with our portfolio and stuff [which I really appreciate], she’s pretty strict…and the class itself is kind of dumb. But I got points for wearing stripes on spirit day! Pretty cool. [Ashley already switched into AP English, btw, but now she’s in Drama 5th period since the teacher knew her brother, so she needs to switch out of that.]

Fourth Period: We had to do an assignment today, easy stuff though. Just chatted with Rachel [we do that a lot now, we do have three classes together, two of which we can commonly complain about] and Allen absently as I worked. Allen was less distant today, but still a little. He seems so annoyed by me, geeze. We watched the Marauder 5 today [she couldn’t get it to work yesterday.] Kevin Leonor [?] is in my class, which reminds me of Gabe because he would mention him and I would always ask who he was and remember that I didn’t know him but I knew of him vaguely. Irrelevant. if I think hard enough, anything can remind me of him. He was so involved and knowledgeable about my life, I told him so much, I trusted him. nvm, trying not to whine. The teacher didn’t know it was stripes day and pointed out how many people wore stripes and when I was passing her to return my book she said ‘Even you!’ and i was like ‘what?? what does that mean D: do I seem like some gloomy, anti school spirit person?’

Lunch: Kind of walked with Allen today [he said he was going to get spirit points but i mentioned i needed to too and he just went to his table…not sure if those two things are related. I wore my purple outfit ( my only striped shirt and the matching purple shorts…my black jacket kind of didn’t match …. all of my jackets are black o-o I noticed.Gabe’s pointed out I wear something black every day once-gah, stop) I forgot my sunglasses yesterday…Gabe’s favourite color is purple-omg, really, stop] and sat at the tree after Samantha and I chatted in the bathroom [I assumed Ashley was trading her Government book for the economy one she needed ( she mentioned this morning or something) ‘cause she mentioned she would since she had a class near there right before lunch]. When Ashley joined us, it turned out she wasn’t turning in her book, i forget what she was doing, must not have been too important. So we sat around and talked about Film club. Even though it was my idea last year and I suggested Ashley be president since she knows so much more and I would be Vice president, i felt really left out. Like May and Samantha talked to Ashley like it was all hers and no one bothered listening to me or asking my opinion and i was just like ‘We’re supposed to be making it together, it’s our club’, but I didn’t say anything. I called mom and she said she saw nothing but she called and politely asked for him to read it.

Fifth Period: All the photo kids were still in the drawing class but I told her I was going after school. We listened to her talk about drawing and the drawing kids made sketchbooks but I thought we didn’t need them since we were in photo, but none of us [Rachel, Jonathan and I] were sure, so after some arguing over who would ask, I asked and she said we did after some obscure reason. I was more awake this time [I was so close  to falling asleep yesterday, i don’t even know why. I asked Rachel yesterday in 6th period ‘Did you see me last period’ and she was like ‘You falling asleep?’ ahaha]

I was kind of waiting for Rachel so we could walk together [oh yeah, and yesterday she joked about me following her since we were in the same class again, weird that I didn’t notice even though I saw her schedule.] but she was lagging and I think she just wanted to walk with Jonathan and didn’t want to be rude to me or something so, eventually, I just left.

Sixth period: I signed up for some community service the teacher mentioned and we did an activity where we said something about ourselves and then wrote a word we thought was important in the work place on a paper up front…I wrote courage, haha, i wanted something unusual. I said I liked Harry Potter. This girl i don’t really like spoke Polish D: I was so jealous. But then we got folders and had to write our names on it and i asked if we needed to if we switched out and she was all sad that i was and nice about it and said I could but I didn’t have to [in the end, I didn’t] and we wrote a paragraph about our word…i don;t even know why I did it, we didn’t turn it in and I wasn’t staying anyways.

I met up with Ashley at the counselor’s office after school [she needed to change Drama and I needed to change nearly everything], apparently her and Allen were calling me, but I couldn’t hear them ‘cause I was listening to my ipod. Allen left shortly after arriving. Then a counselor comes out and says they’re not changing electives today, just levels and I was so annoyed, why didn’t they say that before, like as an announcement! Ugh, but I needed to change into AP English so I told some lady that and she wrote it on my schedule and took it and told me she would see if my counselor could change it and I was just dumbstruck…but i wrote the other changes I wanted too, so there was a hope he would notice.

Then Ashley and I headed over to get the form for the club [i didn’t even know until she told me and I didn’t know she planned so much (she mentioned it at lunch) for it either, she never told me about it.] and I asked if she would give me a ride home since I didn’t want to carry my books, but i walked in and saw how long the line was and left. I like riding in the car with Ashley, we can complain about stuff; too bad she can’t always drive me [her mom is nervous].

Couldn’t do my math homework since  I didn’t have my book, but came home to an email about my changed schedule, I was so happy [though I bitched about it to Ashley, and I mentioned that I better get this email, I doubted I would actually get it haha], but i hope Ashley gets switched soon. She wouldn’t be able to do anything with the club, all her time would be taken up by Drama; and just imagine her on stage! No doubt she’s amazing at everything, but Ashley is so mellow and cool! hahaha.

Why am I still so miserable.

People like him are the reason nice girls like me build walls around their hearts and turn into bitches. I wish I had lots of friends; I wish I had places to go; I wish I had people to hang out with; I wish I hardly had any time on my hands; I wish I had something to do constantly. Then maybe you would be the jealous one and feel so terribly alone. Maybe you’d understand how I’m feeling instead of not giving me any thought at all. Maybe you could finally take a step in my shoes and then feel bad about ever making me feel this way.